Like, so many women need to take a beat and we’re so looped up in the doing, the doing, the doing, when the most healing and the most breakthroughs actually happen for us in those moments in between, in the pause. And I think it’s something I’ve seen in all aspects of the women I’ve worked with.
Like, when I got breast cancer, that was the number one thing people were saying, “How did you get breast cancer?” You know? Like, “You eat so well and you meditate.” But I wasn’t eating well from a place of wholeness like I am now when I eat a chocolate bar or I have a burger, you know? It, it wasn’t from a place of wholeness.
And I think the first step to that is, is being inside your body. I always say, like, you can’t heal a body that you’re not inside of. You have to be inside of it to understand, to become aware of what’s going on in it, to become aware of what’s going on with your disconnect from self, your disconnect from your intuition, all of that.
Welcome to the Peri Moon podcast. I’m Nelle Tamar-Manuel, and today I’m joined by my absolute dear, dear friend, Abby Valletta. And Abby is a somatic practitioner and body worker, and one of the most intriguing and interesting practitioners I’ve ever had the joy, absolute joy of working with. Abby, thank you for joining us today.
Thank you so much for having me. I’m very glad to be here. Oh, bless you. Abby, I’m just gonna dive in because- Okay … you helped me out through my awful, awful divorce. And when I was deep in the sludge of it, um, I remember one day I was processing this huge ugly thing, and you said to me, “What are you going to do?”
And I said, “I’m going to go and write a, a newsletter.” And you s- very elegantly were like, “No, no, no, no, no. Let’s ho- you know, push the brakes.” And, um, that moment for me really was a critical circuit breaker as far as it had just always been part of my process was to metabolize things in a very outward way, and you really got me to sit with myself and sit in my being, and I’m so, so grateful for that.
I’d love if you could speak to just the nature of women pushing through things in that kind of way if, if that calls to you. Yes, of course. I remember the moment you’re talking about. Mm. And I remember having this moment of like, “Wait, hold on. That’s not what we are doing with that.” Um, and I think so many women are in this position.
Like, so many women need to take a beat and- (Beat) We’re so looped up in the doing, the doing, the doing, when the most healing and the most breakthroughs actually happen for us in those moments in between, in the pause. And I think it’s something I’ve seen in all aspects of the women I’ve worked with. Um, there’s this…
Like, I saw it with you that, that day. We had a lot of discussion about, like, you weren’t taking care of yourself. You weren’t, like, doing that well. And when I said like, “Okay, so what’s one thing we could do?” You know, you went immediately to like, “Oh, let me do something productive.” Mm. Where the best thing sometimes is to go for a walk, go touch some grass, get in the shower, you know, have a real meal, you know, or a hot chocolate or just something, something to, to slow it down.
Yeah. It actually really kicked off for me. That, that was probably the first winter I felt like I’d done winter well- Mm … which was really interesting for me. I live in Queensland. We don’t really have winter, and the small winter we have, I’ve always tried to escape. You know, we don’t… It’s cardigan weather.
It’s not even you don’t wear a jacket, you don’t wear a scarf. But I’ve always tried to escape, and that was the first winter where I was like, I was having like three baths a day. I remember just, you were like, “Put oils in the bath.” Yeah. It was very, very… I got back into my body that winter, and it was very, like, I don’t know, very juicy as far as just sitting with myself, sitting with the pain, sitting with the grief, and being able to be conscious of that rather than just running from it as I, as I usually do.
But it really got me back in touch with my self-care, and I’m so grateful for that moment, Abby. Mm. Yeah, you’re very welcome. I’m glad that I could help. And I think a lot of women could benefit from finding more balance. I think it’s a lot of all or nothing I see women struggle with. And so as soon as something is off, the instinct is to, like, go to the extremes of like, “Well, then I must work, work, work, and I must hit the gym.”
And it’s like, ooh, maybe a little bit of everything. And, and being able to step back from that pressure of doing.
Yeah, I love that. And the, and the middle way, I think, is probably where I landed. Because I, I have a tendency, you know, I either go into, to fly, you know, it’s just the fight, flight, freeze response almost, and I do have a tendency of going into freeze. You know, there were times that I found really challenging there at, where I’d be, you know, just in my bedroom, curtain shut , eye mask on and sort of hibernating, hiding from the world.
And then other times where I’d be pushing through. But what that time taught me was how to… how to be in my body, how to do nothing but still be present. And how to do little and still be present rather than pushing through. Disengaging … or disassociating. Exactly. Yeah. I think that is the difference is it’s like instead of just escaping the feelings, escaping it all, and turning to the vices, it’s like how can you support yourself through it?
And it’s like you’re still gonna feel it, the grief is there. Mm. And how can you take care of yourself? Like, sometimes that’s as simple as… And that’s all it was with you, was like a little chocolate, a bath, crying about it, letting yourself feel how you felt. Um, and I think at that time, that was what you needed most over writing a newsletter.
Yeah. Um, I- it was, it was one of those moments where it’s what we’ve, you know, the thin edge of the wedge. It was just that tiny little thing that I needed to be able to, to break through into a place where I’m like, “I need to be the custodian of my own health here. I can’t rely on, I can’t rely on the years of training I’ve had or my, you know, my past of looking after myself well.”
It’s like now I have to really take ownership of that. Um- Mm … which is great. It’s a great way, place to land, you know? For a moment it was like, “I n- I just want someone to take care of me.” And then it was just, it was like, but I get to do that for myself in the ways that show up for me in every second, you know, whatever it may be, whether it’s the chocolate bar now or a bath later on, or going for a walk in nature or, or writing a newsletter if it, if it feels like it’s coming from a place of wholeness, um, and not escapism, which was was where it was coming from when I mentioned it to you.
I, um- And I, I wanna add one bit to that. I think, like, there’s a big piece too of no one did, no one has done their best work from that place. So when our energy is low, and we are in our feels about something, and things, and we’re about to get our period, we’re luteal, and all these things are happening, and we’re like, “But I gotta work, I gotta get this thing done,” it’s gonna take you so much longer than if you gave yourself what you needed, took a beat, and then came and sat down with it refreshed.
And on a day when the energy is there and you’re feeling it again, the work is gonna flow in an hour. It’s, you know? So it’s, I think, in the long run, being able to find that balance, you’re more productive at the end. There’s just more ebb and flow during the process. Yeah, I love that, and it really does speak to when we first started catching back up, I was launching it- the app, which was a beast, and I think a lot of that came from dissociation.
It was like, “I need something with the intensity of this divorce” To fill that void, and it was so huge, so complex. And then after that beautiful winter of taking that time to myself, I did discover that, you know, it, it is… it- and I think it speaks to you, your projector. In human design, you’re a projector, and, you know, what I see you sometimes doing, it almost looks like a mini hibernation.
But it’s strategy. It is a strategy. Like, you- you’re preparing yourself for a launch, you know? Or even if it’s not a conscious preparation, I see that you- you’re, you’re settling into yourselves and using that as a springboard. Yeah. I think we have this really masculine way about approaching business and about approaching consistency.
That’s a big struggle I’ve seen with a lot of women, whether it’s I wanna be consistent with work or consistent with my workouts, or we are… That’s actually coming from a very masculine place, where we think consistency means I need to do this thing every day regardless of how I feel. But women are much more cyclical.
We, we… That, like, consistency comes from a place of rules. You didn’t know what to give your body because you’re giving your body what you think it should need instead of what it actually needs. And, you know, we have cycles. We’re much more cyclical. Things ebb and flow, and I think the more that we can lean into that and let our energy, like, let our consistency ebb and flow instead of being like, “You know what?
I missed one day. I might as well not do my business for three weeks.” We really get into this extremism with it, and I just… It’s so masculine. It’s so masculine. I really would love to see more women be able to let there be, like, more flow in how they’re… I’m showing this with my hands. Yeah. I’m trying to explain it with my voice.
But more flow in how they operate and, like, more allowance for the ups and the downs.
And I think that comes to being able to sit with your body as well, which is something we… I do. I love to think. I love thinking. It’s so satisfying, but the more I do it, the more I think, “Oh, this is just dopamine popping off left, right and center.”
And after our time together, I really felt like I was in a more oxytocic place with things where I was deeper in my body and I could actually relate to the world, to my children, to my friendships, to my housework, to everything with this more profound and Mm-hmm. Deeper, definitely deeper experience of connection with things rather than just- Mm
where’s the instant, where’s the instant gratification in this? Oh, the dishwasher, ugh. Um, where it’s more like, okay, I get to be in process with this thing at this moment and experience myself as well as experiencing the other thing. Mm, mm-hmm.
Oh, there was a point I wanted to make to that.
So yeah, I think when it comes to disconnection from our bodies, like that is just the start. But when we start to disconnect from our bodies, eventually that becomes disconnection from listening to our inner voice, disconnection from gut instincts, disconnection from ability to make choices and to make decisions.
And then that disconnect eventually becomes, “Okay, I don’t even know what I want. Okay, I don’t even know who I am.” And so oftentimes, like those bigger pieces of disconnected, where you’re disconnected from your kids, your life, your– you just feel like, “What am I, what am I even doing? Like what am I even– Who am I?
What am I, what am I here for?” It starts with the body. That disconnection I feel started first, at least from the somatic perspective, in the body. And so by bringing people back into their bodies, by becoming back, you know, inside of your body, you’re able to reestablish that connection with your own inner truth and your own inner guidance, and that dictates everything else.
Yeah. And I think that like even just to use the dishwasher as a real a really mundane example, like I still don’t like doing the dishwasher, but I can sit with that discomfort more now, and I can- Mm-hmm. I don’t dissociate, and I’m, and I’m learning to stretch my capacity for discomfort, which I feel is serving me across the board in so many experiences of my life.
Um, and the more we, you know, it, it’s that old, the more we allow for the pain in our life, the more joy we see. And it is, it’s like, you know, my son unpacked the dishwasher for me the other day, and I was, oh, it was like fireworks. It was incredible. I was so joyful and yeah, I just feel like the more we can hold in our body the good and the bad and not dissociate from it- And feeling it all, I guess that, that’s a lot of what I hear in what you’re saying too, is like allowing, you know, that’s what we get in these moments is like you didn’t wanna feel the grief.
It’s like, oh, let me just do, let me just write another email. Um, but really letting ourselves be in all of it and in- increase our capacity to hold all of it helps everything to scale and grow. Mm. Yeah. I’m in my flamingo era at the moment. We were discussing this a few weeks ago. Um, you were in your– You were telling me you were doing some work with elk.
I would love to hear more about how you work with animals in like musculature and the mythology and all of the brilliance that animals can bring to our, our lives. Yeah, absolutely. So working with animals is new to me. As you know, I really just started doing this with Madeline Moon, and, um, it’s been a really interesting practice to learn about and to experience because civilization– like we’ve been doing this since the dawn of time, embodying animals to take on their shapes, to learn the lessons, to learn how to hunt and navigate our world.
Like humans have been doing this since the dawn of time, but it’s a very new practice for me. And, um, we were given the assignment to like choo- choose an animal, but the animal really chose us. This is why I’m using this selective words. We chose the animal before I realized I was choosing an animal, and elk is the animal who came to me.
And what I found really interesting about elk as I studied it, and the teach– you know, not just about the animal, but about the teachings and like the lessons of the elk, is that elk is all about perseverance and staying the course and consistency. Like elk can outrun, it’s not an apex predator, but it can outrun a jaguar with consistency.
And so elk’s lesson is kind of like, you may not get there the fastest, you’re not gonna get to the finish line the fastest out of everybody, but you can go slow and steady, and you’ll probably get there the least burnt out. And I interpret this to, first of all, this makes a lot of sense for the type of work that I do.
This is you. Absolutely. It’s very me. This is like what I’ve been told by every client I’ve ever worked with, is like, “You taught me how to slow down. You taught me how to have better balance. I feel like I’m more successful at work because I’m managing it better instead of just like grinding myself to the bone.”
Um, yeah, it just, it really makes, it’s, it’s made a lot of sense for me kind of sitting with this elk creature of h- not only helping others find that consistency, but like how to navigate the ups and downs with consistency. Um- Gosh, for me, I think my biggest struggle, and you know this ’cause we’re great friends, I have a lot of, a really strong emotional wave.
And so I’m really learning through elk how I even let the ups and downs of my emotional wave, how much it affects how I show up in my business, how I show up in relationships. So learning to just bring more consistency. Like I, of course I feel that. Those waves are happening, but I feel like as I’ve embodied this energy, I’m more able to have a, a bigger capacity to hold it all, and also to stay steady even through it.
Like, yeah, okay, I’m up today, I’m down tomorrow, but I still can find that middle ground and that balance. Yeah. I’m fascinated by this because you do have in human design, you have the, your own emotional authority. Mm … which have the waves, but also those of us that don’t have emotional authority, we feel, we like amplify it.
It almost feels extra big for us when we’re in the presence of somebody with emotional waves, and I have children, and two of them are emotional authority. I… And, and then there’s life as well, which is waves, and it is not consistent. You know, it doesn’t offer us this linear path from A to Z. You know, we’re, we’re taking all kinds of detours and pivots and roller coasters to get there.
So to be able to, you know, anchor into some sort of symbol or talisman that we can see in our mind’s eye and understand how to hold it in our body, to be able to leverage that, I feel is… I’m, I’m just fascinated by that. Is there a process that you use to embody the elk more? So one of the, one of the, like, assignments we were given was to actually create a practice where we led people through, like, becoming the elk.
Like, your hands turn into hooves and making the s- the bugle noises. And, um, a big one that I found for myself in my daily, just like trying to embody the elk in my daily practice, is the, the holding of the antlers on the head. Mm. Again, you guys can’t see me, but I’m shifting in my body language because, you know, elk is this big, strong animal that’s grounded, but with that energy of the antlers reaching up like towards the crown and a very like, okay, head lifted no matter what kind of comes at me.
And so that has been a, a big piece that’s resonated with me, um, that like holding my antlers high and, um, just that grounded-ness of the elk. Yeah. I, so I’m a dancer, that’s my background. So in my flamingo era, I, you know, it’s not a stretch for me to embody the flamingo, um, from what I see it. But as far as, you know, I’m adding more pink to my…
You know, there’s a whole, you know, spectrum of experiences that go with the flamingo, and I feel like there’s just so many elements of the flamingo to adapt to that I’m absolutely… It’s the same thing. It chose me, and it was, like, so obvious then, and I remember after afterwards I’m, like, sending you photos of all these flamingo things that are in my house that I never quite re- like, realized were there.
Um, but something that is coming up, and I’m a dancer, so this, this is the bit that’s sort of thrown me a little bit. Like, my hips are very open. I’m very, I use my hips a lot. I am very flexible. I’ve always been hyper flexible. Like, I never thought that I would be storing so much in my hips, and yet I am, if I do a little yin or even just some tree pose or something.
The last six months or so I have felt waves of sadness, grief, just big stuff come through when I’m doing those hip opening exercises. And I’m, yeah, I’m fascinated because a lot of my clients say the same thing. And I reflect back what I’m hearing. Yes. Getting a good giggle. So, like, when you’re moving and you’re actively grooving, but it’s when you’re still.
Mm. When you are, you know? Like, when you’re doing yin, it’s when you’re choosing things where you’re then have the stillness to, like, release what’s there. I think there’s a lot of movement that is, and this is something I’ve learned a lot from Madeleine this last year, is, like, a lot of it’s just dispersing energy.
It’s kind of like getting rid of energy we don’t wanna hold. And when you slow down and you pause and you’re in containment, that’s a whole different beast. Mm. You’re sitting with it. Yeah. Oh, no. So that’s what I heard recently. Yeah, no. I’m like, “Okay.” I’m getting it. Big difference between those two things, yin yoga.
It’s the same lesson you keep teaching me is there’s just the power of stillness, which is, it’s so juicy, and it is so feminine. It’s so wildly feminine that, you know, we do come from this, this still point is where the feminine comes from. You know? It’s almost like the, the void or the black hole. It’s like where there’s absolutely nothing, that’s where everything is birthed from.
Um, yeah, I find that fascinating. Absolutely. Women, we, we absolutely need- Again, cyclical is how I tend to– we, we are not consistent every day. Like, we don’t have the same energy every day of our cycles, every day of our lives. Our cycles change as we get older, things change, things shift, our hormones shift, our energy levels shift.
Like, we just are so flowy compared to our male counterparts, yet we operate in a way that goes against that. And I think it, it’s knowing, knowing yourself and knowing your body enough to know which, which days you should dance and which days you should do yin. Mm-hmm. Yeah. ‘Cause it’s not one or the other.
I’m not saying you should be yin all the time and never dancing, right? It’s just knowing the power of when do I eat a healthy salad and when is– do I go get a chocolate? You know, there are just times for everything. And the more you know yourself and the more you know your body, the more that you feel, like, empowered to just do with an alignment.
I think about it a lot with, like, most of my clients, it’s like we’re deeper stuff we’re working on, but I could easily speak to, like, most people struggle with intuitive eating, right? They can follow rules. They can follow a diet plan. They can follow food that’s pre-made that gets sent to them. They, they’re okay with the rules and structure, but it’s really hard to, to eat balanced and eat intuitively ’cause it requires knowing moment to moment that, like, today this might be good, and tomorrow it could be totally different.
In two weeks when I’m luteal, it could be totally different. And that takes some nuance and some practice to get used to. Yeah, and I think, you know, psychologically, you’d probably call it self-awareness. But from a somatic point of view- More embodiment, isn’t it? It’s just sitting, uh, or gnosis is another word for it.
It’s like sitting with the wisdom of the body and letting it tell you. But you do need that stillness first. You can’t go, you can’t rush your way into that. You can’t be… but following it. Yeah. Like a lot of times we do know we have those things, but we gaslight ourselves out of it. Yes. We ignore them.
We’ve been taught to ignore our… You know? So it can even be as simple as, I play with this a lot, like sometimes, like I’m in a, I’m in a restaurant, I’m looking at a menu. There’s like, I just want this thing. Like, I just want it, whatever it is. And then there’s something about like, “Well, I had this for lunch.
I should probably…” Mm-hmm. Then the rules start to show up. But we know what’s best for us moment to moment usually. Yeah. Yeah. I, um, that chocolate- The day you were like, “Just eat the chocolate bar,” I was like, “Abbey, this is, I just needed calories.” Like I didn’t, I wasn’t… Because I, and you know, I’ve had that, my uni degree was in nutrition primarily, and I was like, bone…
You know, I was trying to think what is the most nutritious thing? The bone broth. And I got really got in my head and it was like my body was just like so low on sugar. I just needed instant sugar. The yumminess and the comfort, you know, there’s, there’s a whole- experience that goes with eating. It’s not just the nutrients, it’s not– there’s memories attached to it.
There’s, you know, the, the cephalic digestion, you know, what you, what you feel when you start… If you’re looking at something and it’s evoking memories or it’s evoking, um, you know, secretory amylase, there’s so many things that are involved, and if you’re not interested in that food, you’re not going to have that experience.
Yeah. And I think it’s taken me a lot of years to get to a point where I have, like, a good handle on that, of just, like, knowing. And it’s so… like, what would be for me is so different from what you would find. It doesn’t always make sense. Mm. Like, there are certain days I could look at something and be like, “If I eat that, I’m gonna have a headache,” but a totally different day that it might be fine, or, like, specific combinations of foods that don’t work for me.
And I think we tend to as a society just villainise, like, well, maybe then I can’t eat dairy as a whole, and it’s like maybe, or maybe there’s more nuance to it. Yeah. And I think this was… So I did my, I was at uni when Instagram first came on the scene, and I remember there were so many trends. It was, you know, clean eating had become a real trend at that time.
Um, and then I got as, alongside that, I was getting the hard data about foods. And so for a long time, and, and I, in hindsight now, I know I had orthorexia, which is, um, it’s food controlling in certain ways. It’s like I, I wouldn’t drink water if it was tap water, you know. It had to be filtered or I just wouldn’t drink it, and there were so many rules I was following and it’s like, you know, you can’t eat raw broccoli or, you know, there were so many rules that, yeah, the hard data is there And also I’m a human, you know?
And also I, my body is an incredible thing that can do amaz- you know, if it’s craving raw green veggies, why not? Like let it, let it s- see what happens. It’s not gonna crave it if it doesn’t have the capacity to, to be able to digest it. So I’m now at a point where I’m looking at some of the things in social media and they’re kind of what was out there.
Like it’s just the same circuit of information that’s being fear-mongering, that’s being driven through people. And I’m at a point now where I’m like, you know what? Have a processed food. Have, have a KFC burger. Have what, you know, whatever you feel like you need. Like if you need calories, the burger’s probably going to be amazing for you.
Or- Mm-hmm … there’s so much nuance. Especially if I need it. I love a burger, you know? Yeah. Iron, about to lose all that iron. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And it, it’s so much nuance, and it comes down to your individual. Like you can’t nuance through science. Yeah. Everybody’s so different. We all have very unique bodies and unique systems, and I, I just think there’s a lot of extremism and noise about a lot of it.
Yeah. And just rules. Like just you, you can’t eat this now, you can’t eat that now. And um- Yeah. This is bad and that’s bad. I think I feel much better now having like balance. I sometimes hit the drive-thru. I somet- you know, I generally eat well, but there’s a lot of balance involved and I think I feel better now than when I’d cut out 8,000 different food groups and were eating all clean, clean, clean.
Yeah, me too. Way, way better. Like- Yeah … my stress levels- I think that’s the case for everyone. Yeah. Well, no, I, and I, and it’s interesting because I don’t know what came first, the chicken or the egg. Like were- was it hard for me to digest those things because I was so stressed, or was I stressing myself out by the concept of these things and demonizing them and being like, I can’t, you know, that extremism?
Demonizing your body. I think that, you know, this is something I talk about with my clients all the time, is like, if you’re in this relationship with your body of like, you’re bad, you’re not doing anything right, you’re, you can’t handle any food, you can’t handle any wa- like you’re, you’re just creating this really abusive is the word- Mm-hmm
I wanna use, relationship with your own body, and then expecting to heal within that structure, like it’s just not It’s not it. Yeah. No, it, and it is. I feel like it is this, it’s a , it’s an abusive… In my experience and what I’ve witnessed in a- abusive relationships, it’s exactly the same thing. It’s like you’re not good enough to have this, or you don’t, you’re not worthy of this, or you can’t, you know?
It’s, it’s a… Yeah. It is abusive in a way. And that’s where, you know, I, a lot of mine came from places of self-worth, like a purity. Mm-hmm. Like, I need to be pure. I need to be, have everything clean, and then I’ll be good, and then I’ll be perfect, and then I’ll be right. And that, I think, was more damaging.
Like, and then when I got breast cancer, that was the number one thing people were saying, “How did you get breast cancer?” You know? Like, “You eat so well and you meditate.” But I wasn’t eating well from a place of wholeness like I am now- when I eat chocolate bar or I have a burger, you know? It, it wasn’t from a place of wholeness.
(Beat) It’s from a place of deprivation and- Of like- Yeah … my body is broken. It’s out to get me. It’s, yeah. Yeah. I don’t even know if… For me, it wasn’t even my body. I, as far as my… I’m blessed with a dancer’s body. I’m… But it was my being was imperfect. (Beat) My being was broken. Like, I needed to purify my being to be worthy, to be good.
Um, which, yeah, it, it’s, I feel like that created an ecosystem of stress and dis-ease in my body more than actually eating a burger ever has. Yeah. This makes perfect sense to me. Completely disconnected from yourself, your sense of self. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And those head things, it’s like just the, the stories our brain can tell us about who we are and what we need from that and it, it never , it never works out well.
No. And it affects, it can seep into everything. Y- well, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. That spreads like a wildfire. It does, throughout every relationship, you know, through the relationships we’re then choosing. Like, I need to purify, I need… And, and, and it’s so- It’s so ephemeral. Like, what is purity to me on this day versus what is purity to me on that day, and what do I need to seek out to be pure on this day versus that day?
Like, um- Yeah … whereas your body, you know, it, it’s just a completely different thing. It’s like, “What is going to nourish me for the longest-” Yeah … “possible time?” What i- and I think nourishment is the perfect word when you’re using it alongside the body, whereas with the brain, I’d say it’s more just consumption.
Mm. Yeah, absolutely. I love the use of nourish there. That was like, ooh. Yeah. Yeah, ’cause it’s… I mean, I think having, being able to nourish yourself and, like, give to yourself in that way and love your body, love yourself in that way, that makes all the difference. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we have these chocolates in Australia called Cherry Ripes.
Mm. They are so good. And it’s, for me it’s… I, I even remember the ad from the ’80s on television, and it was just so… It was just velvety, luxury. Like, it, it… The, the ad was even nourishing for the eyes. Like, it was just- Mm-hmm … just sensual almost. I was like, I was like eight at the time. So for me, I’m like, I probably shouldn’t have such a sensual view of it, but just that memory plus the bar itself, plus the, the sugar that, you know, I obviously need when I’m craving one of those, and then the cherry.
You know, there’s so many aspects to a food that, um, is nourishing, and it’s not just the vitamins and the, the nutrients that it contain within. Yeah. It’s culture. It’s, I don’t know, it’s a lot of things. Love it. Um, so we are constantly, like every time I pop onto social media now, I’m being told, uh, the algorithm is just for me in perimenopause at this stage.
Everything I’m seeing is like, “You need to be doing this at your age. Here’s, here’s the creams. Here’s the, all the magic bullets for perimenopause.” But one of them that I absolutely agree with is, uh, weight-bearing exercise. Um- Mm-hmm … and I also really think balance is an important one to add to that. Is there anything from a somatic point of view that you would recommend for women moving midlife and beyond?
Yeah, I think when it comes to somatic, I mean, so many people take like the stories that they’ve created about themselves, the traumas that have happened to them, the stored up emotions, the things they never got to say. So many people hold that and take that to the grave. And I think at the root of like all of those things we carry, all that heaviness we carry, that is at the root of disconnection from the body, from the self, from decision-making, from inner guidance
All of that disconnection is what leads to disease, it’s what leads to chronic pain, it’s what leads to like hips. We talk about hips a lot. Mm-hmm. Holding in the hips, um, is a huge one for women. It’s a huge area we brace up and… Mm. And I think for women like menopause and beyond, like it’s not too late to put that stuff down and to let that stuff go.
And I think almost, you know, the, the hormones are so supportive of us in this way. Like, once estrogen starts to dissipate, so does our capacity for managing everyone else’s expectations. Mm. Which is a really … And you know, that’s when I sort of do a little timeline, that’s when I … Divorce and perimenopause were very much partners in crime for me, for me.
And I look at a, a lot of, like, a- almost all of my clients are going through a career cha- like a drastic, like, not just changing jobs, but a huge career change, like going from corporate into soulpreneur type things. Um, yeah, I really do feel like the, the hormones are there to support us. W- Or, and the, the lack of hormones are there to support us as well.
It, it does signal these changes we’re going through. Um, are there practices that you recommend as far as being able to, to first identify those stories and then be able to move through and change them?
I wish there was just a one size. Like, you just do this and everything is gonna be better. Yeah. I love, I love that answer because that’s the one thing that it irritates me a lot when people claim that there’s this one size fits all, and oh, I wish there was. Wouldn’t that be easy? Yeah. I think so. I think you’re right.
I think that when you’re having this huge life shift and this huge hormone shift, like a lot of the stuff you’ve just like shoved down and haven’t really necessarily… It starts to become more evident. Um, and I don’t know, I haven’t been through it yet, but I imagine like your tolerance for bullshit goes way down, and it becomes more and more time to realise it.
I also see a lot of women in this c- like in this age range, like a lot of stagnation starts to show up in swelling, in lymphatic backup. Like, you’re really starting to see the effects of all the shit you’ve carried to this point, like stagnant in the body. Um, I guess I’m gonna give a general answer ’cause of course there’s so many ways, and all of that’s very nuanced, and it also depends on what your holding patterns are.
Um, some people hold a lot in their hips, some people hold more in solar plexus, some people hold more in the jaw. But definitely finding ways to soften it, um- I’m always a big fan f- of movement, of healthy movement, whatever that looks like for people. Like, you love dancing. I love swimming and pila- we both love Pilates, actually.
But I think just keeping the body moving and keeping your connection with your body. And then I guess if I were to pick one thing and say, like, the one thing that will always help you is, like, being in your body. Yeah. We kind of call that self-awareness, but, like, so many people will, will carry this stuff to the grave and never think about it.
Like, you know, like, so many people will just carry that stuff until they– disease roots, and they’re old, and they’re hunched over, and they can barely walk, and they die. And so it takes, like, a certain level of empowerment and self-awareness to decide, like, “Hey, I’d actually like to drudge all this stuff up- Mm.
and look at it and get it out.” And I think the first step to that is, is being inside your body. I always say, like, (Beat) you can’t heal a body that you’re not inside of. You have to be inside of it to understand, to become aware of what’s going on in it, to become aware of what’s going on with your disconnect from self, your disconnect from your intuition, all of that.
You have to be inside. Yeah, and I think when you said empowerment, I think that is a brilliant word because for the last 30 years especially, I feel like Big Pharma has really driven this narrative that disease is a completely random thing that has nothing to do with our emotions or our, you know, our Our spirit, you know, our spiritual mission.
So much, I see a lot of women that if you fix their spiritual mission or they can get in touch with that, it can really change their entire vitality and capacity to heal themselves.
I think there’s so m- so much with the, the somatic side of things that is not being addressed, and just even having the awareness that this pain or this holding pattern or this tension is telling a story.
Um, I, I was, uh, spent a lot of time with a compulsive liar, and during that time, my neck, I would constantly… My neck would be locked up all the time, and I just thought it was go- I was sleeping ba- like, for years, I, I thought I was sleeping bad. There was something going on. Pillow, I tried all different pillows, so many things.
It was only when I stopped being around that person that my neck suddenly miraculously healed, and I realise now, and it, you know when, like, little, when you talk to a puppy and it moves its head to the side a little bit? I realised every time I was being lied to that I was kind of gaslighting myself in as well.
Mm-hmm. I would put my head a little bit to the side, and I was living like that, and then that came through as, as a, a disease. You know? Yeah. It came through as tens- like awful tension in my neck. Um, and just having that awareness. This isn’t, it isn’t coming from nowhere. It’s coming from somewhere, and your body is, your, your emotional state quite often is driving those move- those micro movements in your body as well.
Not to mention neck and throat, like that to me usually signifies like, what, what isn’t being said? Mm-hmm. Yeah. What are you even holding back from? You know, are you not speaking up for yourself at work, in your relationship? Are you– Is there, like, do you wanna tell off your mom for how she treated you as a child?
You know, like, what is it that is unsaid? Mm-hmm. Um, and, and this is really the world I’m kind of heading into is like, I see such clear patterns between what’s showing up in people’s bodies on my table and what’s showing up in their lives or what has happened in their lives. And I would say like the biggest one, at least that I work with, is like low back pain, hip, hip and low back stuff.
Hip is coming through for almost all my clients, and I’m fascinated by that. And functionally, like this makes a lot of sense because the hips are the powerhouse of the body. They drive all movement. They’re what initiates movement. They’re like the thickest concentration of muscles that we have. Um, something I always like to say as a body worker is like, it’s kind of a little running joke I have with my clients, is like, if you have a back problem, you have a hip problem.
If you have a shoulder problem, you have a hip problem. If you have an ankle problem, you have a hip problem. Most functional things that show up in people’s bodies, pains start at the hips and they root at the hips. But then somatically, low back and hips are all about security and support. And interestingly, as we started out this podcast, most women are doing way too much.
Mm-hmm. We’re working. We’re never stopping. We’re doing all the childcare. We’re doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the, all the everything without any support. In our modern day, we’ve even removed like the family structures, the grandparent support, the living with multiple generations support, and so we’ve just gotten this whole generation of women who are doing it all.
And somatically, your, your back and your hips are all about feeling safe and feeling secure. (Beat) Most of us didn’t get that in childhood. We didn’t get this nice, safe, secure, feeling loved and accepted, and then we move through the world kind of learning like it’s not really a safe place, and I’m constantly fighting for security, fighting for stability.
So most bracing up in the back and the hips, which is the majority of who I work with, it’s your body’s survival mechanism. It’s looking for support it doesn’t have. Mm-hmm. And so it’s bracing up and it’s locking down in the one spot it knows, knows how to, and it’s like, “Don’t worry, we got you. We got all the support.”
And it’s really hard for that, that to let go. So something I’ll see a lot with the population that I work with, ’cause I work with people who are, like, really in it, not just like, “Oh, I hurt my back yesterday,” like in it, is like, no matter what I do, no matter what I try, it just won’t let up. I can get massages and it’s fine for an hour, and then it’s back.
You know, it’s this, it’s so rooted ’cause your back is fighting to support you. Yeah, and I, I think something I heard the other day, um, I’ve… You know, being a single mum, and you can totally relate to this, uh, we are doing it all, everything. We are. And we are carrying all of it. And I was chatting to a friend the other day who’s, has an incredible husband, beautiful woman, beautiful three children, and, you know, even, even women with husband, the most beautiful husbands- Oh, yeah
they’re still doing it a, like, too much. Still taking on way too much. Despite having support, she’s still taking on way too much. Um, and we were talking about how many in the, you know, there’s just not enough hours in the day, that whole narrative. And I was like, “You know what? I just feel like if I can do 50%, I feel like that’s enough.”
And, um, I’ve really been running this narrative in my head that if it’s important, it’ll get done. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, it’s like, didn’t do the dish- you know, didn’t do the dishes today. I didn’t fill in that email for school. I missed this thing. I missed that stuff. But my kids are loved, my kids are fed.
You know, we’re, we’re having a beautiful bedtime story re-read too. You know, just the things that are important always get done. Yeah. And I’m really trying to run that na-narrative versus there’s not enough hours, I need more help. You know, that scarcity mindset that I think would be driving that, that pelvic and hip tension.
Um- Yeah. And just on that note, I feel like every time I’ve been in that place and I’m like, “I need to catch up. Uh,” like, then I’m snapping at my kid and I’m not really even getting the stuff done. I’m just staring at my computer hoping to get it to… It’s, it’s– I think we really get looped up in that pressure of, like, having it all done and getting it all complete and checking all the things off the to-do list, but, like, it never ends.
Mm-hmm. Sometimes the biggest breakthroughs come when I, like, take a shower or go for a walk, and then I have all of a sudden, pop, it all pops in my brain, and then it flows out all smooth and nice. And I think that’s the thing. You know, when we, when we are regulated, efficiency becomes a byproduct of that.
Mm-hmm. I feel like when you’re… And I, I’m creative, so maybe this isn’t everyone’s experience. I feel, you know, I’ve been going through a long time where I’m like, “I can’t do this. I can’t do mornings anymore. This is all too much.” Um, and then I just focused on getting regulated again, then it’s like, I could actually afford a nanny.
You know, I could actually afford to get some help here. That much needed to happen. And then it happened. Yeah. Even breakfast is a thing. Yes, I know. But you, you don’t really think those- You know, expansive thoughts when you’re in scarcity mindset. You’re thinking about how do I hold onto all of these things that I don’t even want to have on my plate?
How do I hold them all? Versus being able to just surrender it all for a moment and then efficiency just bec- yeah, it becomes a byproduct. It just, it pops in where it’s like, oh, this is the, the path of least resistance would be this way. And as Elk has taught us, you may not get there the fastest, but you’re gonna get there the least burnt out.
And what is it you said to me one time that I taught you laziness as a strategy? Laziness as a strategy. I swear by that. I’m like… And it’s funny, my last few clients have all come when I was asleep. Like, e- I’ve woken up, I had a… So twice was overnight and once was during the day. I had a nap and then I’m like, another client booking when I’m sleeping.
This is, this is a, a, (Beat) laziness is a strategy. This is happening. Laziness as a strategy. Yeah. I think a lot, a lot of people could benefit from taking a beat. I think a lot of people could benefit from spending time with you, Abbey. I am so grateful to have had this time together. You are just a well of wisdom.
You exude, like, relaxed and calm and wholeness, and I’m so grateful to have you in my sphere, and I imagine our listeners are gonna be so happy to hear all of your wisdom today. Thank you so much for being with me, Abbey. Thank you so much for having me and for being a dear friend, and I’m so excited to see where all of this goes, and I’m excited to be on the podcast.
Aw, bless you. And I know you’re in the midst of a rebrand and a restructure and all those amazing Elk things that are coming with slowing down and, and being a little bit more mindful and intentional with your energy. Um, but I’ll pop in my show notes where our listeners can find you and, um, it will be a joy to speak to you again sometime.
I’ve… We, I know we can, we do, we do talk for hours, and it’s always a joy. Thank you so much, Abbey. Thank you so much for having me. This was wonderful. Oh, bless you.
Thank you for sitting with us today. It has been an absolute joy. If you’d like to work with me or connect with any one of our beautiful guests, you can find everything at perimoon.com.au. And until next time, may you find yourself all the way alive.
